Well I said I would do rants more often, but it simply hasn't happened. I've had a lot going on, yaddah yaddah, and all the other crappy excuses people usually give for not updating. I would apologise, but that makes me look like I actually care about you guys.

But seriously. Vegetarians. Now don't get all pissy with me, call me a 'carniverous freak', or accuse me of raping puppies please; I'm ranting about the REALLY psycho vegetarians.
You probably know the type. The type that wont eat or drink anything that's been within 30 feet of fresh meat. The kind that has their own buffet table, consisting of celery sticks, supplement pills and coffee (they won't eat the celery. Some poor defenceless badger is going to die because they could have eaten it instead. Or something.)

The type which, when engaged in convesation, will always stuff the RSPCA and Save The Pandas/Whales/Dolphins/Pigeons down the throats of anyone mentioning the following topics; Working with animals, hunting, fishing, working at a abbatoir or butcher, visiting the abbatoir or butcher, cosmetics, champagne, tictacs, Christmas, Germany, cooking, toothbrushes, the price of canned potatoes, sandwiches, religion, Kevin Bacon, the town in which you were born, canteloupe, sponges, celery and that one guy who eyes you up at work. (Oh, and any other topic ever that can be somehow related to either food or animals. Which of course, is all of them.)

Now I know a lot of very nice people are humble about their vegetarianism. Fair enough. It's like religion; you believe what you want, but dont preach to me. Don't look at me, hands on hips and say 'But how can you not care about the living conditions of chickens?' Bullcrap.

A: My stepdad owns/runs one of the biggest chicken farms in England, supplying to supermarkets, restaurants and fast-food chains. I've seen the living conditions. They are better than those of some people. The chickens even have footballs to play with for crying out loud!

B: They live to be eaten. We could treat them like gods and feed them on corn made from gold and Joshua Bell's knuckles, but at the end of the day they are going to end up in my Choice Bucket. Surely the most humane thing would be not to kill them at all, ignoring the billions of people who like or live off of chicken? Makes total sense.

Psycho vegetarians (and vegans for that matter) can be some of the unhealthiest people you will ever meet. They are skinny, gaunt looking, have digestion problems and smell terrible. Most could be flattened with a breeze.
What is almost worse, are hypocrit vegetarians. The type that do it 'because it is cool... ...somehow'. They often eat thing like fish and chicken (because they obviously don't count) and frequently give in to a good old bacon sandwich. Pick something to stick with, stick with it, and then shut up.

I better leave it at that, I'm going to find the nearest psycho vegetarian and watch them scream as I drink non-enzyme-free wine. Seriously. It happened before.


(Disclaimer: Those of you not familiar with me or my way of thinking/writing, listen up. Although these 'rants' contain my opinions, they are in satire and should not be taken to heart. Secondly, all the sweeping generalisations and gratuitous amounts of name-calling is done on purpose.
Finally, lighten up. I am one person talking about my thoughts, just like everybody else. I don't care that you disagree. That's your opinion; you write a journal about it. I've been writing these rants as newsletters (under the title 'What's in My Pocket?' since 2002, and this is my expansion/transition over to DA. Thanks for listening.)